On the Table:

“I want to lay all my cards out on the table and walk away with no regrets.”

I am at a point in my life where I have just gotten out of graduate school and I am working with a population that I love, in my chosen field. My four children are all over ten and much easier now. My husband is thankful to have his wife home, after 2.5 years of my being back and forth, and we can’t get enough of just being together. We were looking at moving out of a rougher side of town and maybe buying a house in a year. I was ready to live “The American Dream” and enjoy the peace, because I have never really just had “that quiet  suburban  life” that I probably just imagine that other people have.

I guess that that was not what life had in store for me. A routine appointment turned into a specialist appointment, which turned into a biopsy with positive margins. The scene is kind of leading up to this dramatic procedure where they put me to sleep, complete a biopsy and send the tissue to pathology. Pathology will call my doctor, in the surgery suite, and tell her if they find cancer or not. If I wake up with a uterus it means that I have cancer and will need further treatment; if I wake up and have had a hysterectomy, it means that I am safe. I kind of have to pray that the pathologist’s eyes will be open and that their mind will be clear because, if there is cancer that they miss, and the doctor cuts through it, it could spread throughout my abdomen. This was a decision that I made with my doctor, with many factors accounted for. I am done having children and I have had  anxiety about not knowing what lies beyond the margins of my last biopsy/not having all of the information. (I am “Type A” “INTJ”, not having information is a big deal).

I don’t know when the surgery is going to be. I am waiting on insurance to give the green light. Pathology and my gynecologist are ready. My husband is having surgery on November 7th, on his nose, so I kind of hope that he gets to heal a little bit, before having to worry about me. I also really hate that I am going to have to be a burden to my new job; I have my own clients now and finding coverage for a clinician can be difficult. As long as they are able to do a laparoscopic hysterectomy, I should not be out too long; if there is extra scar tissue, they have to go through the abdomen. I waited tables 12 days after my last c section, so I think that I can make it work. Honestly, if I just wake up from whatever they have to do and hear that I don’t have cancer, I will be great.

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